Review by Steve Hooley   —   June 20, 2001

Civilization covers the entire galaxy, right out to the edges of the spiral arms. They've got technology, they've got wealth and peace and a common language-and currency system. But whole worlds are running amuck, the citizens turning overnight to rioting mobs screaming "Grilf! Grilf!" as they destroy their own cities. The rulers of the galaxy are horrified and stymied; no one has ever heard of an invasion outside of old history books and war is an insane concept. At a loss, they toss out a wild idea: once upon a time, in a book called ALL THE COLORS OF DARKNESS, a private detective named Jan Darzek made a correct decision to help aliens over his own primitive race, and keep their secret. He is literally the only available criminal investigator in the galaxy, and when an odd Mr. Smith meets his price (one million dollars!) he enters galactic civilization. No disguise is necessary, very few members of galactic civilization look at all alike. Darzek and his grandmotherly sidekick Miss Effie Schlupe are teleported into a galactic Grand Central Station of bizarrely-shaped aliens, huge or tiny, bug or fish, all grunting or gesturing at once, emitting their odors and flashing lights. Find your contact: easy, he's the dead one. Find the one who's about to overthrow the planet: small chance. Phone home? How?

Adrift in a strange, bustling society and left with no way back to Earth, Darzek grimly sets out to do his job anyway. His bottomless credit card sets him up as a merchant prince, and he soon finds fellow pirates like E-Wusk and Rhinzl are as human under their tentacles and probosci as any other merchant. He becomes such a pillar of society that he is shocked and surprised along with the rest when the mobs begin to mutter "Grilf!" Evicted from another planet and pursued by stalky, nocturnal Quarmers bearing the Eyes of Death, Gul Darr the galactic merchant prince works frantically to sort the suspiciously-bizarre from the normally-bizarre, searching for a clue to stop this invasion of madness before it reaches the galactic government of SUPREME. One fact is wrenchingly clear: galactic civilization is good. Galactics are a bit self-centered and unfeeling, but they aren't thieves or even bullies. This is a great culture, and Earth, now an 'uncertified world,' will someday join if it isn't wrecked. What is the Dark's mental weapon? Why is it crashing worlds and leaving them to starve? Why does nocturnal Gul Rhinzl want to marry Miss Schlupe? Can it be her secret recipe for rhubarb beer? Darzek must solve these problems and possibly learn water-dancing before SUPREME falls . . . or be stranded forever in a civilization of inhuman, but incredibly nice, beings.